As I sit here this morning, the tears are already streaming down my face. Last night I was at a bookstore with my oldest daughter and stumbled upon a new book by Mary Beth Chapman, the wife of Christian recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman. She has written a book called "Choosing to See" about the struggles she has faced in life and more specifically following the death of their youngest daughter Maria. Their family was on my mind this morning and more specifically this sweet Mom. I found myself curious about her life and the things that God has taught her through this tragedy. I found an article on Christianity Today's website and read the following description about her book "[Mary Beth] shares the story not only of Maria's death and the family's subsequent grieving, but also of her own continuing feud with the Creator — a difficult childhood and teen years, adulthood battles with depression, and more."
Maybe you are like me in that, when you read something that seems to hit close to home, you pause and can't help but think, "God needed me to see this." I have battled allowing myself to struggle and admit weakness...mostly because I have my own opinion about what should merit such distress. Looking around me, I see people who seem to be hurting more or have experienced greater tragedy. I feel guilty but know that is not what my Heavenly Father desires. Where is the line between self-absorption and awareness of other's circumstances? I don't know. What I do know is that the ability to relate to others gives me freedom to breathe at times. When I read that someone else faced a difficult childhood and teen years, as well as battled depression as an adult, and also happens to have a heart for the Lord, the fears within me aren't quite as overshadowing.
So what is my most present fear at the moment? How far will the Lord need to take me to teach me about my dependence on Him? I see the overriding themes through circumstances I have faced over the course of my life. I remember times when He had to pull the rug from underneath me to remind me for the thousandth time Who is really in control. I am completely aware of what He is capable of doing to work in me and accomplish His purposes. Why would I even want to be out of His care and control? Why would I even want to trust in anything else that the One who knows the beginning and the end? Because I don't like pain...none of us do. So exists a battle within me - fearful of having to trust Him and being launched in a direction in life that does not make sense but knowing I must trust in a loving God who knows what is best.
How thankful I am for the individuals whose stories are written on pages in a book and for those whose stories are just lived out before me. I pray that I have the courage to face what He wants of me as these amazing individuals have - no matter what that may be. And - while I would never want anyone to have to deal with this internal mess, I am grateful that God's Word speaks truth when Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
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