Overlap

If you haven't read, "If Only I Had a Green Nose" by Max Lucado to your children, I highly encourage you to do so! Cali and I sat down to read this book as part of her nightly homework. As I sat reading with Cali, we began to pause during the story and discuss the happenings. I won't spoil the book for you too much, but the moral of the story is to be who God created us to be. The story tells of a little boy who was completely content until he began to succumb to the pressure to change himself and paint his nose green...just because everyone else was doing it. Although God's name is never mentioned in the book, the parallels are obvious and the life lessons convicting. Cali and I launched into a great discussion on how easy it is to be influenced by those around us and the temptation that lurks when we are too caught up with other's opinions and ideas versus our Maker's. She asked two great questions, "What if I don't know what the right choice is?" and "What if I don't do what my friends think I should do and they get mad at me?" I was grateful for the honesty from the lips of my 7 year old. At this point, I could care less whether or not she actually finished her alloted reading time for the night. This was an opportunity to talk about life, influence, temptations, the world, comparison, and friends. Of course, our Heavenly Father does not merely allow me to remain idle and pretend this is merely a lesson for a 7 year old. He knows that this 35 year old could use a good reminder too! He brings to my attention my own struggles and pauses to remind me of all that I need to learn in this "children's book".

You see, I am just as culpable as the character in the book. My focus on my image, be it body, skin, hair or something else, seems much less important when I am listening and attentive to my Maker. For I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made down to every last detail. He knows the number of hairs on my head and where every strand of DNA has been placed. BUT - when I get caught up in the world or comparison, suddenly my body is not good enough, I need less wrinkles, more cosmetics, more exercise, scrutinize every part of my body, want cuter clothes and find myself talking about my appearance way too much. And truthfully, I am really criticizing God's workmanship.

My discussion with Cali left me reminded again of how my girls' struggles are not that different from my own. God is wise in showing me the overlap of my life and theirs. He humbles me and reminds me of the incredible responsibility I have in modeling what I teach. My advice to Cali? You have to allow God's voice to be the loudest and most present at all times. The world wants to distract us, take away our contentment, and appeal to our weaknesses. So I heed the same and once again thank God for getting my attention through my sweet girls who are growing up faster than I can believe.

Distraction

So if you have ever read any of my other posts, you will quickly realize that I love illustrations, especially the ones life presents in watching 3 sweet little girls. A few days ago, we were having a typical morning before school: breakfast, getting dressed, signing papers, organizing backpacks with homework, lunches, snacks, etc. (I try to get this done the night before as much as possible as to keep from having a nervous breakdown before sending my kids on their way for the day). I had specifically asked Cali to bring me something from her backpack, to which she kept returning to me with something other than what was requested. This is not uncommon as Cali is sometimes easily distracted. Some mornings she will make 2 or more trips up and down the stairs because she keeps going upstairs, seeing something that interests her, forget what she went up there for originally, and then return downstairs...thus we start the process over again. I'm not really irritated (okay sometimes I am...thus the sigh and look of disappointment she sees on my face). Try as I may, I cannot for the life of me figure out the difference between her pure-hearted, dreamy, laid back personality, and disobedience. What I know is that God constantly uses my children to bring to light my own issues.

You would think that someone who has a list, procedure, time, and routine for many things might not get as easily distracted. I may not have to make 3 or 4 trips up and down the stairs because I forgot what it was I was doing and needed in the first place (acutally as I age, this is becoming more common)...BUT I am just as susceptible to distraction. While Cali's distractions seem to be more innocent and without intent, I cannot always say the same for mine.

So here it is...the part where I bring up spending time with the Lord. Please don't stop reading. And excuse this little tangent but I must explain where I am coming from before proceeding. I know when I first began the process of trying to grow spiritually, I was intimidated to no end with other's knowledge of the Bible, their ability to pray ever so eloquently, memorize scripture, and never miss a single day without opening their Bible. My pastor, at the time, even mentioned how his wife had never even missed a single "quiet time" except for one time when she had to go to the hospital. While I knew time with the Lord was vital, I began to strive to treat our time as an item on a list. My heart was not in the right place and I began to grow weary of the ritual I had made it out to be. (Like I said, I can make just about anything routine for the sake of routine and suck the life out of it until it truly becomes no more than a ritual...I am working on this as it leads to a performance mentality...and very unhealthy expectations.) Since those days, God has been ever so patient with me as I wrestled through what our time together needed to look like. Letting go of methods and techniques was the first step for me. The next would prove to be the most difficult, though: making our time a priority.

Distraction has been a force to be reckoned with in this area. How incredibly patient and gracious the Lord has been to me. More times than not, I have felt the need to spend time with Lord and outright ignored Him. Just imagine someone you absolutely enjoy spending time with and them continually telling you over and over again how busy they are...but still reassuring you that you are a priority. You might begin to wonder or even believe them. Imagine the jealousy you would feel while watching them give time and attention to plenty of other things of seemingly less importance. Then imagine those very things they spend time with steal their perspective, joy, and state of contentment. (I'm convicted just writing this too so don't stop reading just yet.) Imagine them actually starting to believe the lies of the world while you desperately wait for them to ask you for truth. Imagine them caring more about what everyone else is doing except you. (yes, that was a jab at facebook and twitter).

Just by looking at a person's checkbook and calendar you can judge a great deal about his or her priorties. I might also add in computer log, tivo, email, or text messages. When I take an honest look at my own "distractions", I realize my list is longer than I care to admit. The number of missed opportunites continues to increase and I miss out on spending time with the One I deem most important in my life.

Distraction is defined as

"the diversion of attention of an individual or group from the chosen object of attention onto the source of distraction. Distraction is caused by one of the following: lack of ability to pay attention; lack of interest in the object of attention; greater interest in something other than the object of attention; or the great intensity, novelty or attractiveness of something other than the object of attention."

So my question for you and myself is are you diverting attention away from the Lord? Are you lacking interest in Him? Do you have greater interest in something else? Is something else more attractive or alluring? Hard questions for me too. How patient is Our Heavenly Father...

"My" Gray Shirt

Madison and Cali are just over 20 months apart. I did not grow up with sister so I don't understand all the dynamics of their relationship at times. You know...best friends one minute, playing together and laughing, sharing clothes...followed by other moments of irritation, hurt feelings, agitation, and not wanting to share a thing. Because of my either "not getting it" or a lack of tolerance for selfishness in out home, I could not believe what transpired over a gray shirt.

Today is school picture day and Cali had asked Madison if she could wear her new gray shirt. Madison had just taken pictures for another occasion in this shirt and I suggested she wear something else...to which she agreed. Madison told Cali "no" much to my disappointment. Cali was frustrated and I was more than a little annoyed. Many thoughts went through my head...why couldn't she be excited for her sister to wear something that she was excited about...if any of her friends had asked to borrow the shirt, she would have gladly said "yes"...why is she being so hard hearted...why can't she see how she is holding onto selfishness. So after reminding myself that she is 9, still learning, and still growing, I simply told her that I would encourage her to think about why she was unwilling to allow Cali to borrow the shirt. She went into her closet with big "huff" and started to yank the shirt off the hangar. I admonished her not to give the shirt to Cali unless she was doing so with sincerity and a soft heart...and not simply out of obligation or “because I told her to”. I said a sweet good night and went to my room to get ready for bed.

Only a few moments had passed when Madison came in with big tears in her eyes. "Mommy, why are you acting like 'that'? I need to know we are okay before I go to bed." She was absolutely correct in that I was acting distant and my disappointment had me acting a little colder that she was accustomed.

Earlier that morning, I had just been studying attributes of the Holy Spirit in our lives and could not help but see this as an opportunity to talk about conviction. We sat on her bed as I asked her questions about what was keeping her from graciously giving the shirt to Cali. We talked about opportunities to love others, be selfless, and the fruit of the Spirit. We talked about the Holy Spirit's role in our life to help us make choices that are honoring to God. And, I told her I could not control her response and that she has to give the Holy Spirit freedom to guide her and counsel her into making wise choices.

Yes it’s quite a bit for a 9 year old to soak in but such a powerful moment as a mom. I don't expect her to "get it" completely but I explained to her the importance of walking with God and listening to that "little voice" that was telling her what she knew was right all along. I told her that as her mom, I would only encourage so far, but that the softening of her heart before the Lord is her responsibility. At the end of our little theology lesson on the Holy Spirit, I asked her what she thought she should do. She realized she owed Cali an apology and wanted to let her borrow the shirt.

No wonder we moms have to be in the Word and be prepared for discipling these little ones at all times. 2 Timothy 4:2 says "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction."

I just know God wants us to take those opportunities seriously and seek to shape these little hearts. I confess that it's emotionally draining at times. Just writing it out and thinking through it all over again has taken a great deal of energy. But - I firmly believe that is why we must not become distracted with too many other things. And as exhausted as I was last night after our conversation, I have to believe that moments like those will go farther than I could ever imagine.

Access

‎"To let Christ have access to everything needing alteration, we must give Him permission to get very personal with us and allow Him into the deepest places of our hearts"

Where am I holding back? What places am I unwilling to allow Christ to penetrate my heart? Where am I being stubborn? Where have I ignored His Spirit and allowed my flesh to win?

Praying for awareness today and a reliance on His strength to be a true Christ follower in my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my home, and relationships with others...and for grace when I mess it all up and have to start over again.

Endorphins

For as long as I can remember, I have had some pretty interesting dreams that I am able to recall upon waking. My dreams cover the spectrum from silly and absurd to absolutely exhausting at times. I'm not here to discuss the theology of dreams because I'd rather be a little oblivious than try to interpret the absurdity of some of them. Last night I must have had too much water before I drifted off (I need to follow the rule I make my 4 year old follow - potty one more time before bed). Deep in dreamland, I was running around with my kiddos in desperate search of a place to pee. (Caution - this next part might just be TMI for some of you) I could not for the life of my find anywhere suitable and began looking for a tree. I must have found somewhere "suitable" but distinctly remember needing to conceal the fact that I had indeed peed in a public place. So I finally “went” and also remember that incredible sense of relief I experienced in my dream. Now what is amazing to me is that I awoke from this dream and did indeed need to "go". As I discussed this dream with my husband (and he has heard some crazy ones from me in the span of our marriage) we both laughed and wondered how it was possible that I had not completely saturated our bed before waking. Gross, huh? Sorry. Guess that's my true sense of humor if I'm really honest. Anyway, I did not write all of that to dive into some analysis of why I dreamt that - the simple explanation is that I just needed to pee.

What does fascinate me is this God created organ called our brain and the power He gave it to function in our lives - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. (Just do a word study on the word "mind" and you will find so many truths about His power in our life.) I have been reading a great book called "Breaking Through Depression: A Biblical and Medical Approach to Emotional Wholeness". I have to say that I am thus far impressed with the balanced approach this book offers. I will probably write more on some of the highlights I have appreciated about this book at another time. For now, though, I find myself drawn to the idea that God created these amazing little things in our body called endorphins.

Without getting too bogged down by some heady definition, endorphins are simply defined as "brain chemicals known as neurotransmitters, which function to transmit electrical signals within the nervous system. At least 20 types of endorphins have been demonstrated in humans. Endorphins can be found in the pituitary gland, in other parts of the brain, or distributed throughout the nervous system. Stress and pain are the two most common factors leading to the release of endorphins.”

I am fascinated by these little guys for many reasons but always taken aback when I see that our Heavenly Father designed our bodies in such intricate fashion...knowing that we would need our bodies to release something to aid in our ability to handle stress and pain. Thus I have been evaluating what produces endorphins in me as to take advantage of this wonderful God-given process.

(A little disclaimer here and I will try not to sound like I am on some soapbox) After going through this whole process of wrestling with depression, taking my time to seek the Lord through all of this, I am amazed at how I have rolled my eyes at science and psychology. As with anything, I think we have to stop and consider the source of any findings as well as look at them from a biblical perspective. Because of the influence "the world" sometimes offers, I have dismissed some great information or ignored it. I believe that the God of our bodies, who knit them together, and designed them, is the ultimate source of all of these chemicals, hormones, reactions, and processes. The problem arises when we take Him out of the picture and become too extreme. Just as I would never counsel anyone to just "pray harder" or "have more faith" when experiencing depression, pain, stress, or loss, I would not have anyone simply focus on an aspect of scientific or psychological findings and remove our Creator from the picture either. Hope that makes sense and that you hear my heart.

So here are my findings about what releases endorphins in me...

1. Good perspective (whether it's time spent worshipping in the car to a song, to conversation with God, reading the Word, or a good book) Anything that brings me to a place of seeing the greatness of our God.

2. Family time (all of us being together, laughing, playing a game, or snuggling on the couch)

3. Exercise (suffering, sweating, and working hard)

4. Writing (getting my thoughts down and out of my head either through journaling or blogging)

5. Laughter (especially with my husband, kids, or friends)

6. Road Trips (I love the anticipation of being in the car with people I love and having great conversation)

7. Snow cones (what can I say, they make me happy and feel like a kid)

8. Having my priorities straight (money, schedule, people, commitments)

While it may not be an exhaustive list, these are the ones that have been of great necessity as of late. And - if these little guys are of such tremendous gain for us as individuals, I suggest finding out what's on your list. How thankful I am for a God who "fashioned" us and knew how to design our bodies. I love Psalm 139 and the reminder that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made"!

Grateful

After one long day, I found myself driving home from helping my hubby a little pouty...okay, alot pouty. I had this conversation in my head about all the reasons I was justified to be tired and why it was okay to excuse myself from any sort of emotional filter. Instead of pleading with the Lord to fill me up, I wanted a "hall pass" to walk into my house and be in my mood. The Lord had other plans...He just kept messing with me, as He usually does, and kept prompting me to be grateful.

Now as crazy at it may sound, sometimes I know when I am unwilling to let go of my mood and simply want to stay in it...basking in how it feels to be grumpy, complain, and justify it all. I know when I am intentionally ignoring God and choosing self over Him. But, I know better. It's kind of like the battle I have with my kiddos when I let them know who is going to ultimately win the battle. For I know, my patience will usually far outlast theirs. Are you seeing the parallel here? Ultimately, the Lord is going to outlast me and win the battle. So I don't know why my stubborn heart does not give in so easily and move on...but now it has.

I can't help but change my perpspective and be grateful when I look at my sweet family. As I write this, my oldest is engrossed and almost giddy about a sweet little book for girls and changes they experience. My middle daughter is snuggled up on a couch with my mom reading a book. And my youngest is bouncing around the house singing. They have been helpful tonight (unmprompted) and not complained once about anything. My sweet husband is working tonight, but even still, I can appreciate the incredible hours he has put into his job these last weeks and his amazing work ethic. He loves his job as stressful as it may be at times, loves to come home to his family, and loves the Lord. I have amazing friends that seem to know just what to say and when to say it. I have amazing parents that love their grandchildren and children, too. So tonight I embrace what I should have hours ago. Tonight I am grateful.

Kindness

I would imagine that all of our home page screens when we connect to the internet vary. My home page use to be a news channel such as MSNBC but I found this to be quite the distraction. I am much too curious about the latest tragedy and tend to allow those circumstances to stir up fear. Don't worry, I am not trying to live an imaginary world and pretend all is well, I just want to see the tragedies everytime I sit down to my computer and prefer to choose when I see the news. So last year I changed my home screen to one of my favorite writer's blog (Beth Moore). She has a way of making you feel like you are seated across from her at a coffee shop while you are reading. I don't have the chance to read her blog everyday but today I am glad that I did! At the end of her post was this amazing treasure. I am under the impression that this came from a simulcast she did recently. Anyway, I was so inspired by these words I had to post them here. I hope you enjoy them too!

My Dear Sister,

Your God has called you

To use that mouth of yours

For His great glory.

Don’t just add to the noise.

Become a real woman

Who opens her mouth with wisdom.

God wants the Law of Kindness

On your tongue

And the love of Christ

In your heart.

Never forget:

Kindness is not a weakness!

When you’re wearing down

Head to Christ and His people

And let them build you back up.

Always remember:

His yoke is KIND.

Make sure

It’s the only yoke you wear.

It’s time to go our separate ways

But we’ll all meet up again

At the glorious epiphany of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Until then,

Let the One who led you here

Lead you on with cords of kindness.

Now, get out there

And build a welcoming fire

In a cold world.

Live by the Law of Kindness!

What Does He Want?

As I sit here this morning, the tears are already streaming down my face. Last night I was at a bookstore with my oldest daughter and stumbled upon a new book by Mary Beth Chapman, the wife of Christian recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman. She has written a book called "Choosing to See" about the struggles she has faced in life and more specifically following the death of their youngest daughter Maria. Their family was on my mind this morning and more specifically this sweet Mom. I found myself curious about her life and the things that God has taught her through this tragedy. I found an article on Christianity Today's website and read the following description about her book "[Mary Beth] shares the story not only of Maria's death and the family's subsequent grieving, but also of her own continuing feud with the Creator — a difficult childhood and teen years, adulthood battles with depression, and more."

Maybe you are like me in that, when you read something that seems to hit close to home, you pause and can't help but think, "God needed me to see this." I have battled allowing myself to struggle and admit weakness...mostly because I have my own opinion about what should merit such distress. Looking around me, I see people who seem to be hurting more or have experienced greater tragedy. I feel guilty but know that is not what my Heavenly Father desires. Where is the line between self-absorption and awareness of other's circumstances? I don't know. What I do know is that the ability to relate to others gives me freedom to breathe at times. When I read that someone else faced a difficult childhood and teen years, as well as battled depression as an adult, and also happens to have a heart for the Lord, the fears within me aren't quite as overshadowing.

So what is my most present fear at the moment? How far will the Lord need to take me to teach me about my dependence on Him? I see the overriding themes through circumstances I have faced over the course of my life. I remember times when He had to pull the rug from underneath me to remind me for the thousandth time Who is really in control. I am completely aware of what He is capable of doing to work in me and accomplish His purposes. Why would I even want to be out of His care and control? Why would I even want to trust in anything else that the One who knows the beginning and the end? Because I don't like pain...none of us do. So exists a battle within me - fearful of having to trust Him and being launched in a direction in life that does not make sense but knowing I must trust in a loving God who knows what is best.

How thankful I am for the individuals whose stories are written on pages in a book and for those whose stories are just lived out before me. I pray that I have the courage to face what He wants of me as these amazing individuals have - no matter what that may be. And - while I would never want anyone to have to deal with this internal mess, I am grateful that God's Word speaks truth when Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

Cali

There are moments when we all look at our children and laugh at their personalities as they emerge. In our family, we are quick to joke around and poke fun at where the particular quirk originates. God has wired each of our children in such unique fashion. I must say that we have been diligent to not place them in some mold we ourselves have formed and instead embrace their individual bents. Sometimes, though, a personality trait will emerge that forces me to pause and beg God for wisdom, discernment, and grace.

Over the last few weeks, I have watched as my sweet middle daughter Cali, has struggled with some anxiety. She looks at me with such sweet, tender eyes and says, "I'm scared about messing up and not knowing what to do." or asks "What if I don't understand?" She has this weird feeling that comes over her and makes her tummy feel funny. As I have listened to her fears and shouldered her tears, I could not help but relate to the battle that is going on inside her. It's interesting to me how the Lord has given me such a clear picture of myself through Cali's struggles. I already see inklings of perfectionism in her personality and it makes me sad....for I know the long road she has ahead of her.

I understand the desire to want to please, to not feel embarrassed, to want to succeed, to not mess up, and the pressure that mounts with new or uncharted territory. In the midst of how strong she feels emotion, though, I realize she has some powerful lessons to learn. I admit that I don't always know when or how to love her while encouraging her to trust in a Father that is still very new to her. Most of the time, my knee jerk reaction to my children experiencing pain is to fix it. (Of course, because this is how I approach my own pain) I have to continually remind myself that the Lord loves her far beyond what I can comprehend. He knows the lessons He needs her to learn. He discerns where she must be stretched. He sees the outcome of it all and knows exactly the situations where she must be exposed. If I'm really honest, though, I don't like it. But I know I trust Him and trust that He knows what He is doing.

Isn't the same true of us? We are constantly exposed to discomfort and things that stretch us and grow us. The real question is how will we respond? As I have entrusted her to the Lord these weeks and allowed Him to be in the driver seat (and I freely admit there were times I wanted to push Him out of the "car"), I have seen a remarkable change in her. She is learning a powerful life lesson that will be invaluable throughout her life - how to cope.

She is learning that we trust in something much greater than ourselves - a loving Father who is intimately acquainted with us. She is taking each day "one day at a time". She is growing stronger everyday. She is learning about acceptance of circumstances. I could not ask for anything more at this point. She is strong and continues to amaze me. As for those perfectionist tendencies, I see them as clearly as I am seeing my own. God has allowed me the incredible privilege of shaping this little life. I love that I am her mommy and get to walk this road with her. I think I might just have alot to learn from her too!

An Old Letter

As I sat down to open my Bible, I came across an old letter that a sweet friend of mine must have written me at least 9 years ago. 9 years ago, we had just had our first daughter Madison. 9 years ago, my pastor's wife hat was fairly new. 9 years ago, I remember struggling with life and trying to figure out what God had in store for me. 9 years ago seems like a long time. While some things have changed alot, other struggles and doubts have remained. I read the sweet letter in tears, realizing that the letter could have just as easily arrived yesterday. For the same things I needed to hear then, I am needing to hear today. How thankful I am for this letter that I have held onto. Interesting to me that scripture is quite the same and Our Father is too. He keeps telling me the same stuff over and over again, so patiently, just waiting for me to hear Him...and ultimately believe Him.

Why is it so difficult to believe that a loving Father gives such undeserved grace and unconditional love freely? Why do I end up smothering the very essence of Who He Is with my checklists and things I think I have to do for Him? Why do I feel like I am being pushed on stage to perform for Him and others? I have so many questions and so few answers. Many days I find myself completely exhausted with myself and the defaults in my thinking. The hardest task for me these days is to go back to the simplicity of who He is and put all else aside. I have read this verse in Isaiah many times over the last few months because of its power and ability to redirect my thinking (sometimes for a moment and sometimes for a while)..."I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please" So why do I default back to this place of feeling overwhelmed and in such despair? I suppose maybe because He wants my weaknesses to be obvious to me. I suppose maybe He is tired of me saying I trust whatever path He wants me on and wants to shake the subtle part that still desires to look like I have it all figured out. I can be so stubborn. So here I sit, in a big mess of emotions with no answers, exactly where He wants me. How I pray that I would depend on Him and allow this season to expose who He wants me to be.

Surprised

I'm not one for ever wanting summer to end. I love having my kids at home, the noise, the chaos (well, most of the time) and the opportunities to just be with them. (We joked at the very beginning of the summer about how fast it would pass. We, meaning me and my mini me oldest, who thinks like I do.) My husband was certain we were trying to suck the life out of the joyous anticipation summer brings. He was right. Left to ourselves, we would probably focus on the ending of something fun versus enjoying each moment to its fullest with gratefulness. Who likes fun to end? This quality is evident anytime my oldest goes to a friends house. Her first question is always "How long do I get to stay?" She is working on the disappointment factor that rises up in her when fun things come to an end. This is also evident, on my part, when we plan for vacation. My thoughts always drift to thinking about the end of our vacation, the length of our stay, and how many days we have left. Pretty sad, huh? Anyway, all that to say, anytime our schedule was mentioned, my husband found it humorous to poke fun (in his best woe is me tone of voice) at our "Eeyore mentality".

So summer did go by fast. (I would love to say "told you so" but I won't). I found myself fearful of wallowing in my tears and grieving a new season with all 3 kids in school 5 days a week. We took the oldest girls to school on the first day, dropped them off, headed to preschool to drop off the youngest, shed a coupld of tears, and then headed to the gym, alone. Something interesting happened. I found myself feeling pretty good, almost giddy. I even felt a little guilty for this new found freedom. As the days have passed and we have a week under our belt, I realize how this season is actually making me healthier mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm quite pleasantly surprised and thankful for a new chapter.

First Day of School

The first day of school was a huge success...and yes, I cried. Of course I cried because that's just what I do. Anyway, I am amazed that I have 3 kids in school 5 days a week. Absolutely amazing! They are truly such blessings to me and I am one grateful mommy!

"It"

When you don't write for almost 3 months, finding where to begin proves to be a bit challenging. Three months ago we were at the end of another school year, finishing up our first season with our nonprofit, transitioning to me working a bit more from home, and so incredibly excited with summer ahead. I honestly would say that everything seemed to be fine and I had a very positive outlook on the coming months. I began to experience a swing in my emotions, but I did what I typically do, and blamed hormones or lack of sleep. I even remember sitting in bed one night in tears thinking..."What is wrong with me?" because there really wasn't a logical explanation...I have a healthy family, sweet kids, and many, many blessings. My sweet husband asked me a few questions in an attempt to help. Poor guy - I'm not even sure God knew what was really wrong that night. What I did know was that the feeling that was present was eerily familiar to what I had experienced years ago when struggling through post-partum depression. So in an attempt to not act on my scattered emotions, we agreed to wait until after that special time of the month and re-evaluate. For the next few weeks, my ability to cope with day-to-day things proved difficult and I found myself headed into a storm.

Our summer began along with the tears and the questions. If you have ever worn glasses that have scratched lenses, you know how difficult and annoying it can be to have a clear perspective on your surroundings. I remember this illustrating my point so perfectly in how I felt. I just could not gain proper perspective and interactions with people or situations remained skewed. I could tell myself logically how the things in my head were filled with absurdity and no rationale but my emotions kept showing up to battle that logic.

So my summer was not as expected and I decided to take steps to rule out a few things. Me being the curious one (that's a nice and understated way of calling myself "dr.internet diagnosis"), I did try to see if my symptoms pointed to anything medical and scheduled a dr's appointment. So MY diagnosis was "Underactive Thyroid". At least the symptoms were consistent and even my doctor agreed that a positive blood test would indicate a need for medication and solve a world of problems. So the bloodwork was done and my results came back "normal". At this point, I felt anything but normal and wanted another blood test ordered for a diagnosis of crazy. How unfortunate that there is none to my knowledge. (I have to keep a sense of humor in all of this.) So with that out of the way, I decided to accept whatever the Lord needed to place in my life.

I have absolutely phenomenal friends who have surrounded me during this time. Words of encouragement, freedom to just be "me" (the very raw version), and just embracing whatever this season has to offer have helped tremendously. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not in a hurry to fix this quickly. I'm sitting in "it"...whatever "it" may be. Believe me I have lots of titles for "it" on any given day - anxiety, fear, worry, depression, sadness, burn-out, fatigue.

But sitting still before the Lord is hard for me, a typical do'er, fixer, and perfectionist. There is so much I am learning about the unhealthy way I approach life and about how complicated I have made my relationship with God. If you think cleaning out a junk drawer, a chaotic closet, or a disorganized garage takes work, you should see the stuff that has been cluttering my head...just one big mess!

So here I am...trying to rest in the arms of our Father on the days that are great and the days that are hard. I 'm learning to just "be" and look beyond all my weaknesses and imperfections and focus on who God really is. And I'm learning to not hurry up and figure out all of the questions looming in my mind. For I believe, if I try and rush this process, I just might miss out on something God desperately needs me to grasp.

Psalm 46:10a "Be still and know that I am God".

New Blog

New blog, same old me. I have been wanting to make a change for some time now...mostly because I keep seeing all the cute little backgrounds and like the ability to "decorate" my blog. Well, maybe that's not truly the real reason, but it certainly helps. The real reason has a lot more to do with some personal challenges I find myself facing - but more on that later. For today, I am elated (almost giddy) to have a cute little place of my own to share with you the messy parts of my life.

Old Blog

You can link to other blog entries from here by going to our family website.