No Regrets

Backpacks packed, lunches placed in pretty new totes, outfits carefully planned and laid out on beds, and three little girls sleep after restless anticipation of the day ahead. I hover over each of them and swallow hard, holding back tears of pride and joy mixed with sadness. The admonishment of "enjoy it because it goes by fast" rings in my ears and I remember these words spoken by everyone from a stanger in the grocery store to an old man people watching our family at our nearby park. We nod and arrogantly act like "we know".

Is it possible to really know, though? Even as I reflect on the last 5 years preceding Ella's first day of Kindergarten today, I can hardly believe time's unforgiving speed. I remember the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the post-partum depression. I remember journaling the little moments with my camera, laughing at first words, and cheering them on as they took their first steps toward independence. All of these memories become blurred at times, though. And my heart sinks a bit.

Is there really such a thing as enjoying the time with which these little people fill our days, and looking back and wondering if we took advantage of the hours given to us, without any regret at all? Whether I am at home or work, whether mentally or just physically present, or whether I am supermom or not, would I still question the stewardship of my time? I think I would.

Does this somehow excuse me from sitting on the floor and playing "gold fish" as Ella calls it... from jumping on the trampoline when I don't feel like it...from putting down my phone so I can look my kids in they eyes while they proceed to tell me some silly story...from tucking them in at night even though they are quite capable of putting themselves to bed...from snuggling on the couch even though laundry and dishes and dirty floors need my attention...or from allowing them to cook with me even though dinner might take twice as long to prepare. Maybe I am not excused but I cannot walk around guilt ridden either. Sometimes I wish for some formula or recipe to a guarantee that I will feel I spent this time wisely. I laugh at myself as I think about the absurdity of there being such a thing. Instead, I am left to wrestle with my priorities, emotions, insecurities, fears, and motives and everything else I tend to overthink when sizing myself up. I simply must lay this before my God, the one who encourages me to listen to Him.

So as this "time flies" and the comments from people I love and people I don't even know echo in my mind, I assure myself that I am doing an okay job. Mom guilt wants me to believe otherwise. Most moms I would imagine feel this at some point. So as the days blend into months and months to years, I just want to enjoy the time without regrets but with the reality that they do grow up too fast. Time cannot be stopped and I will someday look at other young families and most likely think or say the same thing. Something innate within us wants others to enjoy the seasons that have passed us by. So as the torch passes from generation to generation, I wonder if a better commendation would be... "be sure to live life to the fullest with your kiddos, and live without regret".

Straight but definitely not clean

Yesterday I decided to FINALLY clean my shower. Isn't it ironic that the very thing that you would imagine to be clean could contain so much nasty grime? I began thinking about my house as a whole. On any given day, you would probably find my house to be fairly tidy. You might walk in (except for the laundry room of course), and even assume my house to be clean. The problem is that I KNOW it's not. I know that there is a splatter of grease on the backsplash of my stove, water stains on the cabinetry under my dishwasher, baseboards begging to be white again, fingerprints on my stair rail, crumbs under the table, toothepaste splattered all over the girls bathroom upstairs. All is easily hidden when things appear to be straight and tidy.

As I cleaned the shower, (and I will spare you the grimy details), I thought about my life right now and the lessons I am stubbornly having to learn. In general, if you were to look at my life, I would say it APPEARS straight. My priorities seem to be in order...for the most part. But that is not what God is doing with me right now. He is not straightening me up, He is cleaning me and exposing all the dirt that has been sitting in me for a while.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend gave me the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Little did I know at the time that God would continue to reinforce this idea of "just enough" in my heart and mind. Little did I know that He would start some deep cleaning in me and how much grime would be exposed. Seeing the nasty funk up close is not pretty. I keep catching my thoughts, wanting to take back words, and so aware of every area where I lack gratefulness. I appreciate the testimony and story of Ann Voskamp who has struggled to choose God and what He has given. If I am completely honest, I like the appearance of clean and not what it takes to get there. So many areas that are unsurrendered and easy to just tidy exist. I pretend, cover, hide, and sweep things under the proverbial rug deep in my heart. With my lips I say that I am grateful... and I believe in the moment I truly am...but then that dissatisfaction with life creeps in and in an instant I am lacking gratitude, comparing my life to others, and the grime becomes visible again.

Desperately I want to walk with an authentic, thankful outlook on life. But first, I must aquiesce to the Perfector of my Faith. I am not expecting perfection here...there will be spots on my heart until the day of Christ return. But I pray that I allow Him to point out what I miss and not just live life pretending and failing to recognize what needs alot of elbow grease. Thanks for putting up with me Lord. You know my every thought, even the ones I can so easily conceal, and still love me. Would you clean the nooks and crannies? Would you keep my eyes open to what you see?

2 Corinthians 7:1 Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

Philippians 1:4-6 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

The Talk

Not so long ago, my oldest became quite curious about all the changes that would inevitably begin to take place. She was 9 at the time. Just like the time she began to ask me question after question aboutSanta Claus, (She literally wanted me to help her understand how he could make it to so many houses in one night all the way around the world) she began to want answers to questions that took me by surprise. The way Madison thinks fascinates me. Much like her daddy..(he would say me), she is not fully satisfied by the short and sweet answers. Her mind craves information and understanding on how things work and why they work the way they do. Now in my mind, I had a couple of choices. I was already familiar with the God's Design for Sex series, a set of books published by Navpress with age recommendations. (To my utter shock, I was actually behind based on their timeline.) I still felt a deep sense of inadequacy and questioned how much to share with her. But at the end of the day, explaining periods and development only seemed to make sense alongside the understanding of God's institution of marriage and more specifically sex. Now I love Madison and appreciate that sometimes she doesn't even know where her questions are going to lead. She can be innocently naive. I know she got more than she bargained for when we sat down to read the second book describing in detail how babies are made. I still remember her head jerking up after the explicit explanation of how God designed a man and woman's anatomy. "How does THAT work?" was her question. To which my response was "just like it says".

Selfishly, I was proud that I made it through the conversation, we closed the book, and the enlightenment she experienced did not lead to heart failure or make me pass out like I had anticipated. (I confess I had been much less worried about her than I had myself.) I had no idea that by making sex such a matter of fact concept and a gift from God, (Thank you Navpress!) that the stage would not be set for further conversation.

Over the past year, I have appreciated time in the car with her. (This is the best place to have conversations with your kids so be intentional when you are running errands) I have been pretty content with her understanding and periodically asked her if she had any more questions. Maybe I am naive (I wonder where she gets it) but the difference between me asking her how she feels about sex and her latest test at school have seemed no different. All this changed a few weeks ago. Thank you Lord for controlling my jaw that wanted to drop, for giving me a game face, and for playing it cool...something I have learned that is invaluable when your kiddos ask you questions. (saving the overly dramatic response for when I am repeating the story to my husband) She simply asked...

"Mommy, what is the difference between ungodly and godly sex?"

Wow! I admit that a part of me was so grateful for straightforward the question, but the other part of me had this sinking feeling knowing we were about to venture deeper into this topic. Thoughts raced through my head in that 2 second pause. Amazing how quickly our brains process information, isn't it? Up until now, I am quite certain she was under the impression that sex was only for reproductive purposes. I also knew by explaining to her God's heart for sex to remain between a married man and woman, the inevitable question of "did you wait?" could come up. I was fully prepared to let her know that "daddy and I waited" and save the details of my past for later...possibly another conversation on a different errand. She never asked those questions, but something unexpected happened. I suddenly looked at her and felt reassured that talking to her about my past would not be the worst thing. Her lack of embarassment suddenly put me at ease... (I thought it would be the other way around) and she proceeded to ask what the next book was about.

So as of today, she is still curious, wants to read the NEXT book in the series with me, (and there are words in this book that I did not hear until I took Anatomy in college or read until I went through pre-marital counseling), and this time has informed me that she has questions but does not even know what to ask. (She actually told me that) How could I not be grateful? Because of how tainted my view of sex was, I now see through her eyes the innocence and beauty of it all...the way God intended it to be when we first discover. I am so thankful for our relationship and how comfortable she is with me. She has given me courage to now prepare her sisters (which began a few weeks ago with the first book).

God continues to answer the prayers I prayed long ago when only holding them as babes. I remember praying desperately for wisdom in this area (and am praying even more desperately now). I have longed desired that she would hear information for the first time for me. The reality is that the world is in a race against us as parents in this area. I know we all approach this topic differently and at different times when we feel is appropriate. I encourage you to not make it weird because it doesn't have to be. Have the conversations. See things through the eyes of your child and not from the vantage point of a world that has tainted sexuality. Open the door so that our children can walk through unashamed, curious, bold, and with conviction to save what God intended as sacred.