Cali

There are moments when we all look at our children and laugh at their personalities as they emerge. In our family, we are quick to joke around and poke fun at where the particular quirk originates. God has wired each of our children in such unique fashion. I must say that we have been diligent to not place them in some mold we ourselves have formed and instead embrace their individual bents. Sometimes, though, a personality trait will emerge that forces me to pause and beg God for wisdom, discernment, and grace.

Over the last few weeks, I have watched as my sweet middle daughter Cali, has struggled with some anxiety. She looks at me with such sweet, tender eyes and says, "I'm scared about messing up and not knowing what to do." or asks "What if I don't understand?" She has this weird feeling that comes over her and makes her tummy feel funny. As I have listened to her fears and shouldered her tears, I could not help but relate to the battle that is going on inside her. It's interesting to me how the Lord has given me such a clear picture of myself through Cali's struggles. I already see inklings of perfectionism in her personality and it makes me sad....for I know the long road she has ahead of her.

I understand the desire to want to please, to not feel embarrassed, to want to succeed, to not mess up, and the pressure that mounts with new or uncharted territory. In the midst of how strong she feels emotion, though, I realize she has some powerful lessons to learn. I admit that I don't always know when or how to love her while encouraging her to trust in a Father that is still very new to her. Most of the time, my knee jerk reaction to my children experiencing pain is to fix it. (Of course, because this is how I approach my own pain) I have to continually remind myself that the Lord loves her far beyond what I can comprehend. He knows the lessons He needs her to learn. He discerns where she must be stretched. He sees the outcome of it all and knows exactly the situations where she must be exposed. If I'm really honest, though, I don't like it. But I know I trust Him and trust that He knows what He is doing.

Isn't the same true of us? We are constantly exposed to discomfort and things that stretch us and grow us. The real question is how will we respond? As I have entrusted her to the Lord these weeks and allowed Him to be in the driver seat (and I freely admit there were times I wanted to push Him out of the "car"), I have seen a remarkable change in her. She is learning a powerful life lesson that will be invaluable throughout her life - how to cope.

She is learning that we trust in something much greater than ourselves - a loving Father who is intimately acquainted with us. She is taking each day "one day at a time". She is growing stronger everyday. She is learning about acceptance of circumstances. I could not ask for anything more at this point. She is strong and continues to amaze me. As for those perfectionist tendencies, I see them as clearly as I am seeing my own. God has allowed me the incredible privilege of shaping this little life. I love that I am her mommy and get to walk this road with her. I think I might just have alot to learn from her too!