An Old Letter

As I sat down to open my Bible, I came across an old letter that a sweet friend of mine must have written me at least 9 years ago. 9 years ago, we had just had our first daughter Madison. 9 years ago, my pastor's wife hat was fairly new. 9 years ago, I remember struggling with life and trying to figure out what God had in store for me. 9 years ago seems like a long time. While some things have changed alot, other struggles and doubts have remained. I read the sweet letter in tears, realizing that the letter could have just as easily arrived yesterday. For the same things I needed to hear then, I am needing to hear today. How thankful I am for this letter that I have held onto. Interesting to me that scripture is quite the same and Our Father is too. He keeps telling me the same stuff over and over again, so patiently, just waiting for me to hear Him...and ultimately believe Him.

Why is it so difficult to believe that a loving Father gives such undeserved grace and unconditional love freely? Why do I end up smothering the very essence of Who He Is with my checklists and things I think I have to do for Him? Why do I feel like I am being pushed on stage to perform for Him and others? I have so many questions and so few answers. Many days I find myself completely exhausted with myself and the defaults in my thinking. The hardest task for me these days is to go back to the simplicity of who He is and put all else aside. I have read this verse in Isaiah many times over the last few months because of its power and ability to redirect my thinking (sometimes for a moment and sometimes for a while)..."I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please" So why do I default back to this place of feeling overwhelmed and in such despair? I suppose maybe because He wants my weaknesses to be obvious to me. I suppose maybe He is tired of me saying I trust whatever path He wants me on and wants to shake the subtle part that still desires to look like I have it all figured out. I can be so stubborn. So here I sit, in a big mess of emotions with no answers, exactly where He wants me. How I pray that I would depend on Him and allow this season to expose who He wants me to be.