Endorphins

For as long as I can remember, I have had some pretty interesting dreams that I am able to recall upon waking. My dreams cover the spectrum from silly and absurd to absolutely exhausting at times. I'm not here to discuss the theology of dreams because I'd rather be a little oblivious than try to interpret the absurdity of some of them. Last night I must have had too much water before I drifted off (I need to follow the rule I make my 4 year old follow - potty one more time before bed). Deep in dreamland, I was running around with my kiddos in desperate search of a place to pee. (Caution - this next part might just be TMI for some of you) I could not for the life of my find anywhere suitable and began looking for a tree. I must have found somewhere "suitable" but distinctly remember needing to conceal the fact that I had indeed peed in a public place. So I finally “went” and also remember that incredible sense of relief I experienced in my dream. Now what is amazing to me is that I awoke from this dream and did indeed need to "go". As I discussed this dream with my husband (and he has heard some crazy ones from me in the span of our marriage) we both laughed and wondered how it was possible that I had not completely saturated our bed before waking. Gross, huh? Sorry. Guess that's my true sense of humor if I'm really honest. Anyway, I did not write all of that to dive into some analysis of why I dreamt that - the simple explanation is that I just needed to pee.

What does fascinate me is this God created organ called our brain and the power He gave it to function in our lives - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. (Just do a word study on the word "mind" and you will find so many truths about His power in our life.) I have been reading a great book called "Breaking Through Depression: A Biblical and Medical Approach to Emotional Wholeness". I have to say that I am thus far impressed with the balanced approach this book offers. I will probably write more on some of the highlights I have appreciated about this book at another time. For now, though, I find myself drawn to the idea that God created these amazing little things in our body called endorphins.

Without getting too bogged down by some heady definition, endorphins are simply defined as "brain chemicals known as neurotransmitters, which function to transmit electrical signals within the nervous system. At least 20 types of endorphins have been demonstrated in humans. Endorphins can be found in the pituitary gland, in other parts of the brain, or distributed throughout the nervous system. Stress and pain are the two most common factors leading to the release of endorphins.”

I am fascinated by these little guys for many reasons but always taken aback when I see that our Heavenly Father designed our bodies in such intricate fashion...knowing that we would need our bodies to release something to aid in our ability to handle stress and pain. Thus I have been evaluating what produces endorphins in me as to take advantage of this wonderful God-given process.

(A little disclaimer here and I will try not to sound like I am on some soapbox) After going through this whole process of wrestling with depression, taking my time to seek the Lord through all of this, I am amazed at how I have rolled my eyes at science and psychology. As with anything, I think we have to stop and consider the source of any findings as well as look at them from a biblical perspective. Because of the influence "the world" sometimes offers, I have dismissed some great information or ignored it. I believe that the God of our bodies, who knit them together, and designed them, is the ultimate source of all of these chemicals, hormones, reactions, and processes. The problem arises when we take Him out of the picture and become too extreme. Just as I would never counsel anyone to just "pray harder" or "have more faith" when experiencing depression, pain, stress, or loss, I would not have anyone simply focus on an aspect of scientific or psychological findings and remove our Creator from the picture either. Hope that makes sense and that you hear my heart.

So here are my findings about what releases endorphins in me...

1. Good perspective (whether it's time spent worshipping in the car to a song, to conversation with God, reading the Word, or a good book) Anything that brings me to a place of seeing the greatness of our God.

2. Family time (all of us being together, laughing, playing a game, or snuggling on the couch)

3. Exercise (suffering, sweating, and working hard)

4. Writing (getting my thoughts down and out of my head either through journaling or blogging)

5. Laughter (especially with my husband, kids, or friends)

6. Road Trips (I love the anticipation of being in the car with people I love and having great conversation)

7. Snow cones (what can I say, they make me happy and feel like a kid)

8. Having my priorities straight (money, schedule, people, commitments)

While it may not be an exhaustive list, these are the ones that have been of great necessity as of late. And - if these little guys are of such tremendous gain for us as individuals, I suggest finding out what's on your list. How thankful I am for a God who "fashioned" us and knew how to design our bodies. I love Psalm 139 and the reminder that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made"!

Grateful

After one long day, I found myself driving home from helping my hubby a little pouty...okay, alot pouty. I had this conversation in my head about all the reasons I was justified to be tired and why it was okay to excuse myself from any sort of emotional filter. Instead of pleading with the Lord to fill me up, I wanted a "hall pass" to walk into my house and be in my mood. The Lord had other plans...He just kept messing with me, as He usually does, and kept prompting me to be grateful.

Now as crazy at it may sound, sometimes I know when I am unwilling to let go of my mood and simply want to stay in it...basking in how it feels to be grumpy, complain, and justify it all. I know when I am intentionally ignoring God and choosing self over Him. But, I know better. It's kind of like the battle I have with my kiddos when I let them know who is going to ultimately win the battle. For I know, my patience will usually far outlast theirs. Are you seeing the parallel here? Ultimately, the Lord is going to outlast me and win the battle. So I don't know why my stubborn heart does not give in so easily and move on...but now it has.

I can't help but change my perpspective and be grateful when I look at my sweet family. As I write this, my oldest is engrossed and almost giddy about a sweet little book for girls and changes they experience. My middle daughter is snuggled up on a couch with my mom reading a book. And my youngest is bouncing around the house singing. They have been helpful tonight (unmprompted) and not complained once about anything. My sweet husband is working tonight, but even still, I can appreciate the incredible hours he has put into his job these last weeks and his amazing work ethic. He loves his job as stressful as it may be at times, loves to come home to his family, and loves the Lord. I have amazing friends that seem to know just what to say and when to say it. I have amazing parents that love their grandchildren and children, too. So tonight I embrace what I should have hours ago. Tonight I am grateful.

Kindness

I would imagine that all of our home page screens when we connect to the internet vary. My home page use to be a news channel such as MSNBC but I found this to be quite the distraction. I am much too curious about the latest tragedy and tend to allow those circumstances to stir up fear. Don't worry, I am not trying to live an imaginary world and pretend all is well, I just want to see the tragedies everytime I sit down to my computer and prefer to choose when I see the news. So last year I changed my home screen to one of my favorite writer's blog (Beth Moore). She has a way of making you feel like you are seated across from her at a coffee shop while you are reading. I don't have the chance to read her blog everyday but today I am glad that I did! At the end of her post was this amazing treasure. I am under the impression that this came from a simulcast she did recently. Anyway, I was so inspired by these words I had to post them here. I hope you enjoy them too!

My Dear Sister,

Your God has called you

To use that mouth of yours

For His great glory.

Don’t just add to the noise.

Become a real woman

Who opens her mouth with wisdom.

God wants the Law of Kindness

On your tongue

And the love of Christ

In your heart.

Never forget:

Kindness is not a weakness!

When you’re wearing down

Head to Christ and His people

And let them build you back up.

Always remember:

His yoke is KIND.

Make sure

It’s the only yoke you wear.

It’s time to go our separate ways

But we’ll all meet up again

At the glorious epiphany of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Until then,

Let the One who led you here

Lead you on with cords of kindness.

Now, get out there

And build a welcoming fire

In a cold world.

Live by the Law of Kindness!

What Does He Want?

As I sit here this morning, the tears are already streaming down my face. Last night I was at a bookstore with my oldest daughter and stumbled upon a new book by Mary Beth Chapman, the wife of Christian recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman. She has written a book called "Choosing to See" about the struggles she has faced in life and more specifically following the death of their youngest daughter Maria. Their family was on my mind this morning and more specifically this sweet Mom. I found myself curious about her life and the things that God has taught her through this tragedy. I found an article on Christianity Today's website and read the following description about her book "[Mary Beth] shares the story not only of Maria's death and the family's subsequent grieving, but also of her own continuing feud with the Creator — a difficult childhood and teen years, adulthood battles with depression, and more."

Maybe you are like me in that, when you read something that seems to hit close to home, you pause and can't help but think, "God needed me to see this." I have battled allowing myself to struggle and admit weakness...mostly because I have my own opinion about what should merit such distress. Looking around me, I see people who seem to be hurting more or have experienced greater tragedy. I feel guilty but know that is not what my Heavenly Father desires. Where is the line between self-absorption and awareness of other's circumstances? I don't know. What I do know is that the ability to relate to others gives me freedom to breathe at times. When I read that someone else faced a difficult childhood and teen years, as well as battled depression as an adult, and also happens to have a heart for the Lord, the fears within me aren't quite as overshadowing.

So what is my most present fear at the moment? How far will the Lord need to take me to teach me about my dependence on Him? I see the overriding themes through circumstances I have faced over the course of my life. I remember times when He had to pull the rug from underneath me to remind me for the thousandth time Who is really in control. I am completely aware of what He is capable of doing to work in me and accomplish His purposes. Why would I even want to be out of His care and control? Why would I even want to trust in anything else that the One who knows the beginning and the end? Because I don't like pain...none of us do. So exists a battle within me - fearful of having to trust Him and being launched in a direction in life that does not make sense but knowing I must trust in a loving God who knows what is best.

How thankful I am for the individuals whose stories are written on pages in a book and for those whose stories are just lived out before me. I pray that I have the courage to face what He wants of me as these amazing individuals have - no matter what that may be. And - while I would never want anyone to have to deal with this internal mess, I am grateful that God's Word speaks truth when Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

Cali

There are moments when we all look at our children and laugh at their personalities as they emerge. In our family, we are quick to joke around and poke fun at where the particular quirk originates. God has wired each of our children in such unique fashion. I must say that we have been diligent to not place them in some mold we ourselves have formed and instead embrace their individual bents. Sometimes, though, a personality trait will emerge that forces me to pause and beg God for wisdom, discernment, and grace.

Over the last few weeks, I have watched as my sweet middle daughter Cali, has struggled with some anxiety. She looks at me with such sweet, tender eyes and says, "I'm scared about messing up and not knowing what to do." or asks "What if I don't understand?" She has this weird feeling that comes over her and makes her tummy feel funny. As I have listened to her fears and shouldered her tears, I could not help but relate to the battle that is going on inside her. It's interesting to me how the Lord has given me such a clear picture of myself through Cali's struggles. I already see inklings of perfectionism in her personality and it makes me sad....for I know the long road she has ahead of her.

I understand the desire to want to please, to not feel embarrassed, to want to succeed, to not mess up, and the pressure that mounts with new or uncharted territory. In the midst of how strong she feels emotion, though, I realize she has some powerful lessons to learn. I admit that I don't always know when or how to love her while encouraging her to trust in a Father that is still very new to her. Most of the time, my knee jerk reaction to my children experiencing pain is to fix it. (Of course, because this is how I approach my own pain) I have to continually remind myself that the Lord loves her far beyond what I can comprehend. He knows the lessons He needs her to learn. He discerns where she must be stretched. He sees the outcome of it all and knows exactly the situations where she must be exposed. If I'm really honest, though, I don't like it. But I know I trust Him and trust that He knows what He is doing.

Isn't the same true of us? We are constantly exposed to discomfort and things that stretch us and grow us. The real question is how will we respond? As I have entrusted her to the Lord these weeks and allowed Him to be in the driver seat (and I freely admit there were times I wanted to push Him out of the "car"), I have seen a remarkable change in her. She is learning a powerful life lesson that will be invaluable throughout her life - how to cope.

She is learning that we trust in something much greater than ourselves - a loving Father who is intimately acquainted with us. She is taking each day "one day at a time". She is growing stronger everyday. She is learning about acceptance of circumstances. I could not ask for anything more at this point. She is strong and continues to amaze me. As for those perfectionist tendencies, I see them as clearly as I am seeing my own. God has allowed me the incredible privilege of shaping this little life. I love that I am her mommy and get to walk this road with her. I think I might just have alot to learn from her too!

An Old Letter

As I sat down to open my Bible, I came across an old letter that a sweet friend of mine must have written me at least 9 years ago. 9 years ago, we had just had our first daughter Madison. 9 years ago, my pastor's wife hat was fairly new. 9 years ago, I remember struggling with life and trying to figure out what God had in store for me. 9 years ago seems like a long time. While some things have changed alot, other struggles and doubts have remained. I read the sweet letter in tears, realizing that the letter could have just as easily arrived yesterday. For the same things I needed to hear then, I am needing to hear today. How thankful I am for this letter that I have held onto. Interesting to me that scripture is quite the same and Our Father is too. He keeps telling me the same stuff over and over again, so patiently, just waiting for me to hear Him...and ultimately believe Him.

Why is it so difficult to believe that a loving Father gives such undeserved grace and unconditional love freely? Why do I end up smothering the very essence of Who He Is with my checklists and things I think I have to do for Him? Why do I feel like I am being pushed on stage to perform for Him and others? I have so many questions and so few answers. Many days I find myself completely exhausted with myself and the defaults in my thinking. The hardest task for me these days is to go back to the simplicity of who He is and put all else aside. I have read this verse in Isaiah many times over the last few months because of its power and ability to redirect my thinking (sometimes for a moment and sometimes for a while)..."I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please" So why do I default back to this place of feeling overwhelmed and in such despair? I suppose maybe because He wants my weaknesses to be obvious to me. I suppose maybe He is tired of me saying I trust whatever path He wants me on and wants to shake the subtle part that still desires to look like I have it all figured out. I can be so stubborn. So here I sit, in a big mess of emotions with no answers, exactly where He wants me. How I pray that I would depend on Him and allow this season to expose who He wants me to be.