No Regrets

Backpacks packed, lunches placed in pretty new totes, outfits carefully planned and laid out on beds, and three little girls sleep after restless anticipation of the day ahead. I hover over each of them and swallow hard, holding back tears of pride and joy mixed with sadness. The admonishment of "enjoy it because it goes by fast" rings in my ears and I remember these words spoken by everyone from a stanger in the grocery store to an old man people watching our family at our nearby park. We nod and arrogantly act like "we know".

Is it possible to really know, though? Even as I reflect on the last 5 years preceding Ella's first day of Kindergarten today, I can hardly believe time's unforgiving speed. I remember the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the post-partum depression. I remember journaling the little moments with my camera, laughing at first words, and cheering them on as they took their first steps toward independence. All of these memories become blurred at times, though. And my heart sinks a bit.

Is there really such a thing as enjoying the time with which these little people fill our days, and looking back and wondering if we took advantage of the hours given to us, without any regret at all? Whether I am at home or work, whether mentally or just physically present, or whether I am supermom or not, would I still question the stewardship of my time? I think I would.

Does this somehow excuse me from sitting on the floor and playing "gold fish" as Ella calls it... from jumping on the trampoline when I don't feel like it...from putting down my phone so I can look my kids in they eyes while they proceed to tell me some silly story...from tucking them in at night even though they are quite capable of putting themselves to bed...from snuggling on the couch even though laundry and dishes and dirty floors need my attention...or from allowing them to cook with me even though dinner might take twice as long to prepare. Maybe I am not excused but I cannot walk around guilt ridden either. Sometimes I wish for some formula or recipe to a guarantee that I will feel I spent this time wisely. I laugh at myself as I think about the absurdity of there being such a thing. Instead, I am left to wrestle with my priorities, emotions, insecurities, fears, and motives and everything else I tend to overthink when sizing myself up. I simply must lay this before my God, the one who encourages me to listen to Him.

So as this "time flies" and the comments from people I love and people I don't even know echo in my mind, I assure myself that I am doing an okay job. Mom guilt wants me to believe otherwise. Most moms I would imagine feel this at some point. So as the days blend into months and months to years, I just want to enjoy the time without regrets but with the reality that they do grow up too fast. Time cannot be stopped and I will someday look at other young families and most likely think or say the same thing. Something innate within us wants others to enjoy the seasons that have passed us by. So as the torch passes from generation to generation, I wonder if a better commendation would be... "be sure to live life to the fullest with your kiddos, and live without regret".