Just Enough

I confess. I have thought many times how nice it would be to have one of these trees. Haven't we all?

The last several weeks have been such a mental test for me. The subject of money has been a source of fear in our marriage for many years. You would think that for someone who has seen God provide on a consistent basis that fear would lessen. Just in the last year, He has provided for our non-profit in ways I never would have imaginged. He afforded me the opportunity of a lifetime to go to Israel. A debt owed on our van was forgiven. And I am sure there are more! While I can say my worry has gotten better, I know that way down deep it still holds on by a thread. (okay maybe a rope). Money is like anything else deceptive, it appears to be a fix for all of life's issues. Money wants to drive me to "if only" thinking. If only we could do this, pay for this, drive this, or buy this...all would be great! I know that isn't true, but money sure wants me to believe and give in to this lie.

Upon receipt of some medical bills over the last couple of days, I have thought a great deal about the concept of God's provision in our lives. Because God is so gracious, He has allowed me to see that His provision is not limited to a tree with money (like the one above), a check in the mail, or a stack of cash at my front door. While those things would be nice...okay great, really, I would miss out on seeing Him in other ways. When I was in Israel, I found peace easy to experience. We were surrounded by examples of how God provided for His people in war, in the desert, and in the most unlikely circumstances. One particular day, while in the desert, we saw some trees that were somehow green and living. Water was scarce, but to my amazement the trees were surviving because they were given...not an overabundance of water...and not too little water that they were barely hanging on...but just enough.

My hope was to remember the things I saw and find strength not succumb to my doubts once home. So try as I may, I lasted a few days before breaking down in tears and asking for a money tree(ha!) and leaving behind the thought of the other desert trees.

God began to stir in me and used some sweet prayer time with a friend to show me something even more valuable than money. God was prompting me not to ask for money, but for His peace. While what He wanted to give me does not pay the bills, it frees my soul and is no quick fix. So as I sit here, the bills are not payed, no money tree is growing in my backyard, and Target has not sent me that $5000 for filling out the survey on their website, but I am at peace...and a prayer has been answered...and for me that is just enough.

Proverbs 30,8b-9a "give me neither poverty nor riches; fill me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, "Who is the LORD?"

10, 8, and 5

When our girls were babies and toddlers, I was certain that as they grew I might not find them as "cute". Every time a word or phrase was misprounounced, I refused to correct them because I knew all too soon they would grow out of it. (Ella still calls an apartment a repartment and marshmallows, washmallows, as well as appointments, reppoinments.) While they have indeed passed beyond the afore mentioned stage, I am having the time of my life with them in this stage now! I have tried throughout the years to simply enjoy them, learn about what makes them tick, and appreciate the stage they are in currently. (Except for that 1st year when Madison would not sleep through the night - I do remember wanting that to pass quickly) Countless people have stopped us over the years and encouraged us to soak in this time because of how fast it tends to fly. I am beginning to feel this as the girls get older. Just five years ago Madison was starting Kindergarten and I looked at my husband and said "Won't it be crazy some day that all the girls will be at the same school together?" That five years seemed more like 5 minutes as what I once said is coming true. Ella will begin Kindergarten in just over a month. Such an interesting feeling! And our life seems to be moving quickly now as we rotate between school years and summer vacation. Okay, this is too depressing so I am moving on...

What I wanted to capture in this post are the personalities, quirks (they are Slayden's and are born with them), and unique qualities that make them the girls I love!

Madison just turned 10 and is such a sweetheart. She loves to read and devours books. She loves her friends dearly and values everyone getting along. I see such a passionate heart in her. Like her mom, she wants to be understood and struggles to wait on the Lord. We have such great talks about life, her faith, and friendships. She cracks herself up at times and gets a little intense at times. I watch how she struggles to be perfect and it breaks my heart...this I wish was not a burden she would have to bare. So I am trying to expose her to all the hard lessons I have learned but allow God to take her through moments of needing to learn things for herself. I confess this is not easy. We have a great relationship and I continue to pray for it to grow and thrive.

Favorite color currently: Shades of blue

Current Want: Puppy

Where she shines: Responsibility at home, friendships, serving her family, Bible knowledge

What gets her in trouble most often: Asking the same thing maybe phrased differently until she gets the answer she wants (aka - nagging)

Favorite thing to do: Sleepovers, Reading Warriors books, Playing Games

Cali is now 8 and has such a spunk and carefree attitude. She is a tomboy and loves anything outside - bugs, animals, reptiles, sticks, and dirt. She has changed me for the better in so many ways. I love that she keeps me calm and is so easy going. I love that we can sit and snuggle, hold hands, or go for a drive in the car without a word being spoken yet, both be so content in each other's presence. She surprises me all the time with how she changes.

Favorite color currently: Green

Current Want: Puppy

Where she shines: Easy going, independent, great friend, organized, responsible

What gets her in trouble most often: Her tone of voice sounding disrespectful, begging for a puppy daily

Favorite thing to do: Playing Games, looking for bugs, finding things to buy at Justice

Ella is now 5 and the life of the party! I love her energy and she is constantly saying the funniest things. She is just my little buddy and somehow makes it her mission to have more of my attention than everyone in the family combined. She never lacks for words or questions. I cannot even imagine what God has in store for her future. She is also very sensitive and can go from laughter to tears in a matter of seconds. I watch as she tries so hard to keep up with her sisters. She is a strong little girl and very competitive. I cannot imagine what life would look like if my husband hadn't pushed for a 3rd - ha!

Favorite color currently: It changes daily - I think today it's orange

Current Want: Puppy

Where she shines: loves to snuggle, loves deeply and tells you often, writes notes and cards for people all the time

What gets her in trouble most often: Interrupting and her energy being out of control

Favorite thing to do: Playing Games, being with her sisters, being with family

I love these girls and look forward to every moment with them!

Behind

I dread laundry. Put me in a kitchen with an overloaded sink of dishes and I am good to go. With laundry, I would rather shove it in a corner or leave it piled to the ceiling in a basket, as it stares at me and awaits folding. My sweet husband used to say how he never minded doing laundry until I redefined what "doing laundry" actually entailed ... (simply moving it from washer to dryer does not count). Maybe one of the main reasons for my disdain is a gene I inherited from my mom or it could be because I am always behind. My mom has always said that she will know that she did not make it to heaven if she dies and a washing machine awaits her. I have to agree.

Blogging has felt that way for me over the past several months. I have this ridiculous pattern in my life that I really want to change. Before I go any further in this silly confession, please know I am not attempting to beat myself up in an area where I am lacking. I assure you I am just making fun of myself as well as making light of my messy thinking. The pattern is this: Once I get behind on anything, I somehow just let things go until the point of return is dismal. One disclaimer: I am selective on areas where this allowance takes place. Laundry is definitely at the top of the lis, with cataloguing photos coming in at a close second. (I encourage any guilt-ridden, scrapbooking, wannabe mom to feel instantaneously better about herself right about now.) Filing paperwork and keeping up with the accounting for our non-profit are up there as well. I would tell you to keep the latter one on the DL with my husband, but he is well aware.

I thought I could not possibly add another category to the list allowing this pattern to further itself. But, I was wrong. Blogging seems to have found its way into my world of procrastination. I even started building a new blog today thinking I could just start over with a clean slate. I know - ridiculous. I quicly abandoned this idea after realizing the absurdity of now having two blogs in need of updates. This would be like attempting to solve my laundry issue with the purchase of another washing machine and dryer.

So, I finally came to the realization that confessing I get behind on things is much healthier and honest. The truth is, no one really cares as much as I do. It's not like anyone reading this is left with some grandios cliffhanger and can't wait to read the next chapter of my life. Honestly, I just feel better writing it down and want to move on. I want to write when it's fun and not when it's work. I want to write when I feel inspired by the things I love. I would love to be more like my friends who have kept up with every moment of their life through being more consistent bloggers. Really, I would. And I admire them so much for doing so!

While I have a long way to go in letting go of areas that keep me burdened with guilt, I feel better acknowledging these little areas. Besides, they really are small in the grand scheme of things and certainly do not define me. At least I hope not. And in the end, if it's something important, I WILL get around to it eventually. If not, I accept that it probably wasn't that important anyway. Besides, I happen to think laundry folded and put away on a daily basis is WAY overrated.