"It"

When you don't write for almost 3 months, finding where to begin proves to be a bit challenging. Three months ago we were at the end of another school year, finishing up our first season with our nonprofit, transitioning to me working a bit more from home, and so incredibly excited with summer ahead. I honestly would say that everything seemed to be fine and I had a very positive outlook on the coming months. I began to experience a swing in my emotions, but I did what I typically do, and blamed hormones or lack of sleep. I even remember sitting in bed one night in tears thinking..."What is wrong with me?" because there really wasn't a logical explanation...I have a healthy family, sweet kids, and many, many blessings. My sweet husband asked me a few questions in an attempt to help. Poor guy - I'm not even sure God knew what was really wrong that night. What I did know was that the feeling that was present was eerily familiar to what I had experienced years ago when struggling through post-partum depression. So in an attempt to not act on my scattered emotions, we agreed to wait until after that special time of the month and re-evaluate. For the next few weeks, my ability to cope with day-to-day things proved difficult and I found myself headed into a storm.

Our summer began along with the tears and the questions. If you have ever worn glasses that have scratched lenses, you know how difficult and annoying it can be to have a clear perspective on your surroundings. I remember this illustrating my point so perfectly in how I felt. I just could not gain proper perspective and interactions with people or situations remained skewed. I could tell myself logically how the things in my head were filled with absurdity and no rationale but my emotions kept showing up to battle that logic.

So my summer was not as expected and I decided to take steps to rule out a few things. Me being the curious one (that's a nice and understated way of calling myself "dr.internet diagnosis"), I did try to see if my symptoms pointed to anything medical and scheduled a dr's appointment. So MY diagnosis was "Underactive Thyroid". At least the symptoms were consistent and even my doctor agreed that a positive blood test would indicate a need for medication and solve a world of problems. So the bloodwork was done and my results came back "normal". At this point, I felt anything but normal and wanted another blood test ordered for a diagnosis of crazy. How unfortunate that there is none to my knowledge. (I have to keep a sense of humor in all of this.) So with that out of the way, I decided to accept whatever the Lord needed to place in my life.

I have absolutely phenomenal friends who have surrounded me during this time. Words of encouragement, freedom to just be "me" (the very raw version), and just embracing whatever this season has to offer have helped tremendously. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not in a hurry to fix this quickly. I'm sitting in "it"...whatever "it" may be. Believe me I have lots of titles for "it" on any given day - anxiety, fear, worry, depression, sadness, burn-out, fatigue.

But sitting still before the Lord is hard for me, a typical do'er, fixer, and perfectionist. There is so much I am learning about the unhealthy way I approach life and about how complicated I have made my relationship with God. If you think cleaning out a junk drawer, a chaotic closet, or a disorganized garage takes work, you should see the stuff that has been cluttering my head...just one big mess!

So here I am...trying to rest in the arms of our Father on the days that are great and the days that are hard. I 'm learning to just "be" and look beyond all my weaknesses and imperfections and focus on who God really is. And I'm learning to not hurry up and figure out all of the questions looming in my mind. For I believe, if I try and rush this process, I just might miss out on something God desperately needs me to grasp.

Psalm 46:10a "Be still and know that I am God".