Surprised

I'm not one for ever wanting summer to end. I love having my kids at home, the noise, the chaos (well, most of the time) and the opportunities to just be with them. (We joked at the very beginning of the summer about how fast it would pass. We, meaning me and my mini me oldest, who thinks like I do.) My husband was certain we were trying to suck the life out of the joyous anticipation summer brings. He was right. Left to ourselves, we would probably focus on the ending of something fun versus enjoying each moment to its fullest with gratefulness. Who likes fun to end? This quality is evident anytime my oldest goes to a friends house. Her first question is always "How long do I get to stay?" She is working on the disappointment factor that rises up in her when fun things come to an end. This is also evident, on my part, when we plan for vacation. My thoughts always drift to thinking about the end of our vacation, the length of our stay, and how many days we have left. Pretty sad, huh? Anyway, all that to say, anytime our schedule was mentioned, my husband found it humorous to poke fun (in his best woe is me tone of voice) at our "Eeyore mentality".

So summer did go by fast. (I would love to say "told you so" but I won't). I found myself fearful of wallowing in my tears and grieving a new season with all 3 kids in school 5 days a week. We took the oldest girls to school on the first day, dropped them off, headed to preschool to drop off the youngest, shed a coupld of tears, and then headed to the gym, alone. Something interesting happened. I found myself feeling pretty good, almost giddy. I even felt a little guilty for this new found freedom. As the days have passed and we have a week under our belt, I realize how this season is actually making me healthier mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm quite pleasantly surprised and thankful for a new chapter.

First Day of School

The first day of school was a huge success...and yes, I cried. Of course I cried because that's just what I do. Anyway, I am amazed that I have 3 kids in school 5 days a week. Absolutely amazing! They are truly such blessings to me and I am one grateful mommy!

"It"

When you don't write for almost 3 months, finding where to begin proves to be a bit challenging. Three months ago we were at the end of another school year, finishing up our first season with our nonprofit, transitioning to me working a bit more from home, and so incredibly excited with summer ahead. I honestly would say that everything seemed to be fine and I had a very positive outlook on the coming months. I began to experience a swing in my emotions, but I did what I typically do, and blamed hormones or lack of sleep. I even remember sitting in bed one night in tears thinking..."What is wrong with me?" because there really wasn't a logical explanation...I have a healthy family, sweet kids, and many, many blessings. My sweet husband asked me a few questions in an attempt to help. Poor guy - I'm not even sure God knew what was really wrong that night. What I did know was that the feeling that was present was eerily familiar to what I had experienced years ago when struggling through post-partum depression. So in an attempt to not act on my scattered emotions, we agreed to wait until after that special time of the month and re-evaluate. For the next few weeks, my ability to cope with day-to-day things proved difficult and I found myself headed into a storm.

Our summer began along with the tears and the questions. If you have ever worn glasses that have scratched lenses, you know how difficult and annoying it can be to have a clear perspective on your surroundings. I remember this illustrating my point so perfectly in how I felt. I just could not gain proper perspective and interactions with people or situations remained skewed. I could tell myself logically how the things in my head were filled with absurdity and no rationale but my emotions kept showing up to battle that logic.

So my summer was not as expected and I decided to take steps to rule out a few things. Me being the curious one (that's a nice and understated way of calling myself "dr.internet diagnosis"), I did try to see if my symptoms pointed to anything medical and scheduled a dr's appointment. So MY diagnosis was "Underactive Thyroid". At least the symptoms were consistent and even my doctor agreed that a positive blood test would indicate a need for medication and solve a world of problems. So the bloodwork was done and my results came back "normal". At this point, I felt anything but normal and wanted another blood test ordered for a diagnosis of crazy. How unfortunate that there is none to my knowledge. (I have to keep a sense of humor in all of this.) So with that out of the way, I decided to accept whatever the Lord needed to place in my life.

I have absolutely phenomenal friends who have surrounded me during this time. Words of encouragement, freedom to just be "me" (the very raw version), and just embracing whatever this season has to offer have helped tremendously. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not in a hurry to fix this quickly. I'm sitting in "it"...whatever "it" may be. Believe me I have lots of titles for "it" on any given day - anxiety, fear, worry, depression, sadness, burn-out, fatigue.

But sitting still before the Lord is hard for me, a typical do'er, fixer, and perfectionist. There is so much I am learning about the unhealthy way I approach life and about how complicated I have made my relationship with God. If you think cleaning out a junk drawer, a chaotic closet, or a disorganized garage takes work, you should see the stuff that has been cluttering my head...just one big mess!

So here I am...trying to rest in the arms of our Father on the days that are great and the days that are hard. I 'm learning to just "be" and look beyond all my weaknesses and imperfections and focus on who God really is. And I'm learning to not hurry up and figure out all of the questions looming in my mind. For I believe, if I try and rush this process, I just might miss out on something God desperately needs me to grasp.

Psalm 46:10a "Be still and know that I am God".

New Blog

New blog, same old me. I have been wanting to make a change for some time now...mostly because I keep seeing all the cute little backgrounds and like the ability to "decorate" my blog. Well, maybe that's not truly the real reason, but it certainly helps. The real reason has a lot more to do with some personal challenges I find myself facing - but more on that later. For today, I am elated (almost giddy) to have a cute little place of my own to share with you the messy parts of my life.

Old Blog

You can link to other blog entries from here by going to our family website.