Just Enough

I confess. I have thought many times how nice it would be to have one of these trees. Haven't we all?

The last several weeks have been such a mental test for me. The subject of money has been a source of fear in our marriage for many years. You would think that for someone who has seen God provide on a consistent basis that fear would lessen. Just in the last year, He has provided for our non-profit in ways I never would have imaginged. He afforded me the opportunity of a lifetime to go to Israel. A debt owed on our van was forgiven. And I am sure there are more! While I can say my worry has gotten better, I know that way down deep it still holds on by a thread. (okay maybe a rope). Money is like anything else deceptive, it appears to be a fix for all of life's issues. Money wants to drive me to "if only" thinking. If only we could do this, pay for this, drive this, or buy this...all would be great! I know that isn't true, but money sure wants me to believe and give in to this lie.

Upon receipt of some medical bills over the last couple of days, I have thought a great deal about the concept of God's provision in our lives. Because God is so gracious, He has allowed me to see that His provision is not limited to a tree with money (like the one above), a check in the mail, or a stack of cash at my front door. While those things would be nice...okay great, really, I would miss out on seeing Him in other ways. When I was in Israel, I found peace easy to experience. We were surrounded by examples of how God provided for His people in war, in the desert, and in the most unlikely circumstances. One particular day, while in the desert, we saw some trees that were somehow green and living. Water was scarce, but to my amazement the trees were surviving because they were given...not an overabundance of water...and not too little water that they were barely hanging on...but just enough.

My hope was to remember the things I saw and find strength not succumb to my doubts once home. So try as I may, I lasted a few days before breaking down in tears and asking for a money tree(ha!) and leaving behind the thought of the other desert trees.

God began to stir in me and used some sweet prayer time with a friend to show me something even more valuable than money. God was prompting me not to ask for money, but for His peace. While what He wanted to give me does not pay the bills, it frees my soul and is no quick fix. So as I sit here, the bills are not payed, no money tree is growing in my backyard, and Target has not sent me that $5000 for filling out the survey on their website, but I am at peace...and a prayer has been answered...and for me that is just enough.

Proverbs 30,8b-9a "give me neither poverty nor riches; fill me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, "Who is the LORD?"

10, 8, and 5

When our girls were babies and toddlers, I was certain that as they grew I might not find them as "cute". Every time a word or phrase was misprounounced, I refused to correct them because I knew all too soon they would grow out of it. (Ella still calls an apartment a repartment and marshmallows, washmallows, as well as appointments, reppoinments.) While they have indeed passed beyond the afore mentioned stage, I am having the time of my life with them in this stage now! I have tried throughout the years to simply enjoy them, learn about what makes them tick, and appreciate the stage they are in currently. (Except for that 1st year when Madison would not sleep through the night - I do remember wanting that to pass quickly) Countless people have stopped us over the years and encouraged us to soak in this time because of how fast it tends to fly. I am beginning to feel this as the girls get older. Just five years ago Madison was starting Kindergarten and I looked at my husband and said "Won't it be crazy some day that all the girls will be at the same school together?" That five years seemed more like 5 minutes as what I once said is coming true. Ella will begin Kindergarten in just over a month. Such an interesting feeling! And our life seems to be moving quickly now as we rotate between school years and summer vacation. Okay, this is too depressing so I am moving on...

What I wanted to capture in this post are the personalities, quirks (they are Slayden's and are born with them), and unique qualities that make them the girls I love!

Madison just turned 10 and is such a sweetheart. She loves to read and devours books. She loves her friends dearly and values everyone getting along. I see such a passionate heart in her. Like her mom, she wants to be understood and struggles to wait on the Lord. We have such great talks about life, her faith, and friendships. She cracks herself up at times and gets a little intense at times. I watch how she struggles to be perfect and it breaks my heart...this I wish was not a burden she would have to bare. So I am trying to expose her to all the hard lessons I have learned but allow God to take her through moments of needing to learn things for herself. I confess this is not easy. We have a great relationship and I continue to pray for it to grow and thrive.

Favorite color currently: Shades of blue

Current Want: Puppy

Where she shines: Responsibility at home, friendships, serving her family, Bible knowledge

What gets her in trouble most often: Asking the same thing maybe phrased differently until she gets the answer she wants (aka - nagging)

Favorite thing to do: Sleepovers, Reading Warriors books, Playing Games

Cali is now 8 and has such a spunk and carefree attitude. She is a tomboy and loves anything outside - bugs, animals, reptiles, sticks, and dirt. She has changed me for the better in so many ways. I love that she keeps me calm and is so easy going. I love that we can sit and snuggle, hold hands, or go for a drive in the car without a word being spoken yet, both be so content in each other's presence. She surprises me all the time with how she changes.

Favorite color currently: Green

Current Want: Puppy

Where she shines: Easy going, independent, great friend, organized, responsible

What gets her in trouble most often: Her tone of voice sounding disrespectful, begging for a puppy daily

Favorite thing to do: Playing Games, looking for bugs, finding things to buy at Justice

Ella is now 5 and the life of the party! I love her energy and she is constantly saying the funniest things. She is just my little buddy and somehow makes it her mission to have more of my attention than everyone in the family combined. She never lacks for words or questions. I cannot even imagine what God has in store for her future. She is also very sensitive and can go from laughter to tears in a matter of seconds. I watch as she tries so hard to keep up with her sisters. She is a strong little girl and very competitive. I cannot imagine what life would look like if my husband hadn't pushed for a 3rd - ha!

Favorite color currently: It changes daily - I think today it's orange

Current Want: Puppy

Where she shines: loves to snuggle, loves deeply and tells you often, writes notes and cards for people all the time

What gets her in trouble most often: Interrupting and her energy being out of control

Favorite thing to do: Playing Games, being with her sisters, being with family

I love these girls and look forward to every moment with them!

Behind

I dread laundry. Put me in a kitchen with an overloaded sink of dishes and I am good to go. With laundry, I would rather shove it in a corner or leave it piled to the ceiling in a basket, as it stares at me and awaits folding. My sweet husband used to say how he never minded doing laundry until I redefined what "doing laundry" actually entailed ... (simply moving it from washer to dryer does not count). Maybe one of the main reasons for my disdain is a gene I inherited from my mom or it could be because I am always behind. My mom has always said that she will know that she did not make it to heaven if she dies and a washing machine awaits her. I have to agree.

Blogging has felt that way for me over the past several months. I have this ridiculous pattern in my life that I really want to change. Before I go any further in this silly confession, please know I am not attempting to beat myself up in an area where I am lacking. I assure you I am just making fun of myself as well as making light of my messy thinking. The pattern is this: Once I get behind on anything, I somehow just let things go until the point of return is dismal. One disclaimer: I am selective on areas where this allowance takes place. Laundry is definitely at the top of the lis, with cataloguing photos coming in at a close second. (I encourage any guilt-ridden, scrapbooking, wannabe mom to feel instantaneously better about herself right about now.) Filing paperwork and keeping up with the accounting for our non-profit are up there as well. I would tell you to keep the latter one on the DL with my husband, but he is well aware.

I thought I could not possibly add another category to the list allowing this pattern to further itself. But, I was wrong. Blogging seems to have found its way into my world of procrastination. I even started building a new blog today thinking I could just start over with a clean slate. I know - ridiculous. I quicly abandoned this idea after realizing the absurdity of now having two blogs in need of updates. This would be like attempting to solve my laundry issue with the purchase of another washing machine and dryer.

So, I finally came to the realization that confessing I get behind on things is much healthier and honest. The truth is, no one really cares as much as I do. It's not like anyone reading this is left with some grandios cliffhanger and can't wait to read the next chapter of my life. Honestly, I just feel better writing it down and want to move on. I want to write when it's fun and not when it's work. I want to write when I feel inspired by the things I love. I would love to be more like my friends who have kept up with every moment of their life through being more consistent bloggers. Really, I would. And I admire them so much for doing so!

While I have a long way to go in letting go of areas that keep me burdened with guilt, I feel better acknowledging these little areas. Besides, they really are small in the grand scheme of things and certainly do not define me. At least I hope not. And in the end, if it's something important, I WILL get around to it eventually. If not, I accept that it probably wasn't that important anyway. Besides, I happen to think laundry folded and put away on a daily basis is WAY overrated.

Blessings

Every time I spend the day at one of Off the Front's sponsored schools, I can't help but leave with a changed perspective on life. Suddenly, all of the "little" things that merit appreciation become very apparent. Times like today force me to reflect...cause me to stop...and make me think a little deeper about the life I have been given. Even as I am writing this, I am convicted at calling all of the "little" things small...because for some, they simply are not small. My point is to pause and communicate what I am thankful for right now in light of what my eyes have seen and heard today.

I am blessed to have people that smile at me everyday. I am blessed to have someone give me a hug, if not several, throughout my day...people that look forward to seeing me, a place to rest my head, the ability to feel safe, to hear encouragement, clean clothes, clean socks, a place to take a bath, hygiene products, laughter, a daily presence in my kids lives, hope, and looking forward to another day.

The faces I saw today told many stories. The comments made communicated even more. Father forgive me for what I take for granted and for being spoiled in my own little world. Forgive me when I fail to expose my family to reality. I wonder what they are missing when I try to protect them from life and things they need to see so ultimately they grow deeper with You!

Overlap

If you haven't read, "If Only I Had a Green Nose" by Max Lucado to your children, I highly encourage you to do so! Cali and I sat down to read this book as part of her nightly homework. As I sat reading with Cali, we began to pause during the story and discuss the happenings. I won't spoil the book for you too much, but the moral of the story is to be who God created us to be. The story tells of a little boy who was completely content until he began to succumb to the pressure to change himself and paint his nose green...just because everyone else was doing it. Although God's name is never mentioned in the book, the parallels are obvious and the life lessons convicting. Cali and I launched into a great discussion on how easy it is to be influenced by those around us and the temptation that lurks when we are too caught up with other's opinions and ideas versus our Maker's. She asked two great questions, "What if I don't know what the right choice is?" and "What if I don't do what my friends think I should do and they get mad at me?" I was grateful for the honesty from the lips of my 7 year old. At this point, I could care less whether or not she actually finished her alloted reading time for the night. This was an opportunity to talk about life, influence, temptations, the world, comparison, and friends. Of course, our Heavenly Father does not merely allow me to remain idle and pretend this is merely a lesson for a 7 year old. He knows that this 35 year old could use a good reminder too! He brings to my attention my own struggles and pauses to remind me of all that I need to learn in this "children's book".

You see, I am just as culpable as the character in the book. My focus on my image, be it body, skin, hair or something else, seems much less important when I am listening and attentive to my Maker. For I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made down to every last detail. He knows the number of hairs on my head and where every strand of DNA has been placed. BUT - when I get caught up in the world or comparison, suddenly my body is not good enough, I need less wrinkles, more cosmetics, more exercise, scrutinize every part of my body, want cuter clothes and find myself talking about my appearance way too much. And truthfully, I am really criticizing God's workmanship.

My discussion with Cali left me reminded again of how my girls' struggles are not that different from my own. God is wise in showing me the overlap of my life and theirs. He humbles me and reminds me of the incredible responsibility I have in modeling what I teach. My advice to Cali? You have to allow God's voice to be the loudest and most present at all times. The world wants to distract us, take away our contentment, and appeal to our weaknesses. So I heed the same and once again thank God for getting my attention through my sweet girls who are growing up faster than I can believe.

Distraction

So if you have ever read any of my other posts, you will quickly realize that I love illustrations, especially the ones life presents in watching 3 sweet little girls. A few days ago, we were having a typical morning before school: breakfast, getting dressed, signing papers, organizing backpacks with homework, lunches, snacks, etc. (I try to get this done the night before as much as possible as to keep from having a nervous breakdown before sending my kids on their way for the day). I had specifically asked Cali to bring me something from her backpack, to which she kept returning to me with something other than what was requested. This is not uncommon as Cali is sometimes easily distracted. Some mornings she will make 2 or more trips up and down the stairs because she keeps going upstairs, seeing something that interests her, forget what she went up there for originally, and then return downstairs...thus we start the process over again. I'm not really irritated (okay sometimes I am...thus the sigh and look of disappointment she sees on my face). Try as I may, I cannot for the life of me figure out the difference between her pure-hearted, dreamy, laid back personality, and disobedience. What I know is that God constantly uses my children to bring to light my own issues.

You would think that someone who has a list, procedure, time, and routine for many things might not get as easily distracted. I may not have to make 3 or 4 trips up and down the stairs because I forgot what it was I was doing and needed in the first place (acutally as I age, this is becoming more common)...BUT I am just as susceptible to distraction. While Cali's distractions seem to be more innocent and without intent, I cannot always say the same for mine.

So here it is...the part where I bring up spending time with the Lord. Please don't stop reading. And excuse this little tangent but I must explain where I am coming from before proceeding. I know when I first began the process of trying to grow spiritually, I was intimidated to no end with other's knowledge of the Bible, their ability to pray ever so eloquently, memorize scripture, and never miss a single day without opening their Bible. My pastor, at the time, even mentioned how his wife had never even missed a single "quiet time" except for one time when she had to go to the hospital. While I knew time with the Lord was vital, I began to strive to treat our time as an item on a list. My heart was not in the right place and I began to grow weary of the ritual I had made it out to be. (Like I said, I can make just about anything routine for the sake of routine and suck the life out of it until it truly becomes no more than a ritual...I am working on this as it leads to a performance mentality...and very unhealthy expectations.) Since those days, God has been ever so patient with me as I wrestled through what our time together needed to look like. Letting go of methods and techniques was the first step for me. The next would prove to be the most difficult, though: making our time a priority.

Distraction has been a force to be reckoned with in this area. How incredibly patient and gracious the Lord has been to me. More times than not, I have felt the need to spend time with Lord and outright ignored Him. Just imagine someone you absolutely enjoy spending time with and them continually telling you over and over again how busy they are...but still reassuring you that you are a priority. You might begin to wonder or even believe them. Imagine the jealousy you would feel while watching them give time and attention to plenty of other things of seemingly less importance. Then imagine those very things they spend time with steal their perspective, joy, and state of contentment. (I'm convicted just writing this too so don't stop reading just yet.) Imagine them actually starting to believe the lies of the world while you desperately wait for them to ask you for truth. Imagine them caring more about what everyone else is doing except you. (yes, that was a jab at facebook and twitter).

Just by looking at a person's checkbook and calendar you can judge a great deal about his or her priorties. I might also add in computer log, tivo, email, or text messages. When I take an honest look at my own "distractions", I realize my list is longer than I care to admit. The number of missed opportunites continues to increase and I miss out on spending time with the One I deem most important in my life.

Distraction is defined as

"the diversion of attention of an individual or group from the chosen object of attention onto the source of distraction. Distraction is caused by one of the following: lack of ability to pay attention; lack of interest in the object of attention; greater interest in something other than the object of attention; or the great intensity, novelty or attractiveness of something other than the object of attention."

So my question for you and myself is are you diverting attention away from the Lord? Are you lacking interest in Him? Do you have greater interest in something else? Is something else more attractive or alluring? Hard questions for me too. How patient is Our Heavenly Father...

"My" Gray Shirt

Madison and Cali are just over 20 months apart. I did not grow up with sister so I don't understand all the dynamics of their relationship at times. You know...best friends one minute, playing together and laughing, sharing clothes...followed by other moments of irritation, hurt feelings, agitation, and not wanting to share a thing. Because of my either "not getting it" or a lack of tolerance for selfishness in out home, I could not believe what transpired over a gray shirt.

Today is school picture day and Cali had asked Madison if she could wear her new gray shirt. Madison had just taken pictures for another occasion in this shirt and I suggested she wear something else...to which she agreed. Madison told Cali "no" much to my disappointment. Cali was frustrated and I was more than a little annoyed. Many thoughts went through my head...why couldn't she be excited for her sister to wear something that she was excited about...if any of her friends had asked to borrow the shirt, she would have gladly said "yes"...why is she being so hard hearted...why can't she see how she is holding onto selfishness. So after reminding myself that she is 9, still learning, and still growing, I simply told her that I would encourage her to think about why she was unwilling to allow Cali to borrow the shirt. She went into her closet with big "huff" and started to yank the shirt off the hangar. I admonished her not to give the shirt to Cali unless she was doing so with sincerity and a soft heart...and not simply out of obligation or “because I told her to”. I said a sweet good night and went to my room to get ready for bed.

Only a few moments had passed when Madison came in with big tears in her eyes. "Mommy, why are you acting like 'that'? I need to know we are okay before I go to bed." She was absolutely correct in that I was acting distant and my disappointment had me acting a little colder that she was accustomed.

Earlier that morning, I had just been studying attributes of the Holy Spirit in our lives and could not help but see this as an opportunity to talk about conviction. We sat on her bed as I asked her questions about what was keeping her from graciously giving the shirt to Cali. We talked about opportunities to love others, be selfless, and the fruit of the Spirit. We talked about the Holy Spirit's role in our life to help us make choices that are honoring to God. And, I told her I could not control her response and that she has to give the Holy Spirit freedom to guide her and counsel her into making wise choices.

Yes it’s quite a bit for a 9 year old to soak in but such a powerful moment as a mom. I don't expect her to "get it" completely but I explained to her the importance of walking with God and listening to that "little voice" that was telling her what she knew was right all along. I told her that as her mom, I would only encourage so far, but that the softening of her heart before the Lord is her responsibility. At the end of our little theology lesson on the Holy Spirit, I asked her what she thought she should do. She realized she owed Cali an apology and wanted to let her borrow the shirt.

No wonder we moms have to be in the Word and be prepared for discipling these little ones at all times. 2 Timothy 4:2 says "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction."

I just know God wants us to take those opportunities seriously and seek to shape these little hearts. I confess that it's emotionally draining at times. Just writing it out and thinking through it all over again has taken a great deal of energy. But - I firmly believe that is why we must not become distracted with too many other things. And as exhausted as I was last night after our conversation, I have to believe that moments like those will go farther than I could ever imagine.